The Male Loneliness Epidemic Doesn’t Exist
The 2024 election has been touted by some as the “Podcast Election,” with Donald Trump partaking in a media blitz of popular podcasts and livestreams hosted by the likes of Theo Von, Andrew Shulz, Adin Ross, and of course, Joe Rogan. Through this medium, Donald Trump was able to get in front of millions of Americans, primarily young men. Whether you like him or not, Trump knows how to portray himself in front of a camera. He expertly connected with Theo Von regarding his drug use, successfully humanizing himself and playing an empathetic person. All in one person, Trump can set daily quotas for ICE arrests and still come off to this demographic of young men as a deeply caring and understanding person. Trump managed to pull 63% of young white male voters (18-29), 35% of young black male voters, and 49% of young latino male voters. Donald Trump’s internet blitz definitely paid off.
More and more young men are flocking to these types of podcasts and shows. Young men are motivated to tune in to this media because the hosts tend to talk about and speak to the problems men are facing (many of the hosts being men themselves); young men feel heard through these shows, and feel that their hardships are addressed. Popular “Manosphere” commentator Andrew Tate repeats the message that life as a man is “exceptionally difficult” and that “society doesn’t care about you.” Tate further asserts that, as a man, you will only be valued based on “how useful you are”. While Tate’s analysis of what men are feeling can ring true for many, as many men feel they need to fulfill these expectations, he fails to connect this idea of masculinity with the patriarchy. A very specific system is telling men that they are useless if they fail to be a provider, protector, or are not strong enough to physically fight: a patriarchal society. With the “Manosphere” positioning itself as an anti-feminist space, those within it who critique society's expectations of men cannot present a feminist (i.e. anti-patriarchal) future as a solution to these problems. So, podcast hosts who operate in this space must deflect blame from patriarchy and lead men astray to false solutions.
Today, young men are feeling isolated, lack community, and many are insecure in their masculinity. These podcasts and shows capture young audiences with their ability to speak to how young men are feeling, but also their ability to weaponize misogyny in their diagnosis of the problem and in their presented solutions. Many of these men could, and should, read feminist works such as The Will to Change for more realistic and productive answers to their problems with women. But, unfortunately, reading feminist literature isn’t where young men are these days. Instead they find answers from the online “Manosphere”, summarized in some fashion like this: men are lonely because women are terrible and no longer want real men anymore. “Real men” or “high quality men” being hyper masculine and unappealing to women.
This is an easy perspective to latch onto. It provides an answer for the problems young men face, while simultaneously taking away any personal responsibility for their current state of affairs. Young men are told: this is just how society is and, at the fault of women, life as a man is inherently lonely. Men are not responsible for the position they find themselves in, they are victims of women not wanting men anymore, whether men fulfill their roles under the patriarchy or not.
Men are going to various online spaces seeking to fill the lack of community they feel in their everyday lives. With how online algorithms work, it’s easy to find an echo chamber of people who validate how you feel, while reinforcing the aforementioned simplistic answer to all your problems.
I, however, believe it can be argued that the ‘male loneliness epidemic’ doesn’t exist, at least in the way that it is commonly advertised; men are lonely but it’s not the issue of victimhood we’re led to believe. This ‘epidemic’ is a problem created by primarily cisgendered hetersexual men, through how they view relationships with other men and, especially, women.
Andrew Tate and other “Manosphere” influencers describe an alienation felt by men that is unique to men. But, it’s really an inherent aspect of living in a late-stage capitalist society, and is felt by many living under this system; it is not even specific to men. Roughly equal shares of men and women say they are lonely, but women are more likely to seek external support. Men can take similar steps to improve their situation.
For example, within male relationships, men often brag about how easy it is to maintain friendships with other men. We don’t have to check in on each other for months, even years, and can pick up right where we left off. Isn’t that great? A few moments of self-reflection should hopefully reveal the issue here: if men complain about feeling isolated, yet refuse to form deeper relationships with the other men in their lives, that isolation isn’t going anywhere. This isn’t to say you need to be calling every single one of your male friends on a weekly basis. But having friends you consistently hang out with, call, or connect with via other means is a key factor in reducing feelings of isolation.
Recent trends on TikTok illustrate how men rarely ask each other follow-up questions or talk about what’s going on in their life. They often talk about things they like and have in common: sports, shows, hobbies, etc. Many men can do a better job of diving deeper into each other’s lives; ask about feelings, talk about each other's emotions. Building meaningful friendships beyond surface-level interactions with other men is a key step toward leaving a life of alienation.
A common complaint I come across online, and even from men I’ve interacted with, is that women are a primary cause of this loneliness, a main culprit of this ‘epidemic’. When asked to elaborate, they’ll often cast the blame towards a rejection from women – they can’t find a woman who is as committed to a relationship (in the way they want them to be) or that they can’t find someone who accepts them if they don’t “check all the boxes” (i.e. having a high-paying job, decently sized home, are strong and muscular, etc.). Due to difficulties in finding a partner, many men have come to support the recent trend in reviving trad-wife culture. While women have their own reasons for supporting traditional gender roles in modern society, men seem to support it primarily because it would ease the process of finding a partner for them, solving their loneliness. Women who partake in traditional patriarchal gender roles place more value in serving men and participating in marriage, both of which benefit men greatly. I think this presents a key revelation into how many men view women in general: a woman's role in a man’s life is only in the context of a romantic/sexual relationship. She is only there to fulfill his physical and emotional needs. Many men don’t believe in having friendships with women, and don’t view friendships with women as a means to emotional fulfillment. It’s no surprise then with the prevalence of Andrew Tate and his clones – who reiterate that a woman’s role is to serve – that this perspective is shared by many young men who frequent those online spaces. In the end, the male loneliness epidemic boils down to traditional misogyny and an adherence to patriarchy. To them, a woman’s existence is only in the context of how she can serve or be of use to a man, primarily romantically. Of course, this is not very appealing to most women. And if women are not fulfilling this man-made purpose and men are suffering, then it is the fault of women for this new reality that men face.
Through this mindset, many men are actively depriving themselves from having healthy friendships with women, often because they don’t believe in having a platonic relationship with someone of the gender they find sexually attractive. Many young men view friendship as a means to an end, a stepping-stone to eventually becoming sexually active with or dating a woman. This mindset needs to be eradicated, but many online shows and podcasts that are frequented by young men consistently frame women in this context.
The “Manosphere” loves to use the reality that nearly 80% of suicides are men to validate their worldview – clearly, no one is there for you if you are a man. But wallowing in the online perspective that men have it bad isn’t going to help fill any void. Building strong, healthy, platonic relationships with other men and women is something men can actually do to feel joy, fulfillment, and purpose. Men must reject victimhood and stop blaming women for their current position. They must stop expecting women to conform to their dating standards. It’s time men start advocating for a new feminist standard and call each other out when it isn’t met. This must come as a result of a mindset shift from the men who still believe in this patriarchal worldview, but it is also up to men who no longer have this view on relationships and friendships to offer a lifeline to those feeling isolated. If men leave other men out to dry, nothing’s going to change.